Lesson Revisited

In my mid-twenties, I was struggling with never having my dad's affirmation. Oh, I had tried to prove how worthy I was. My entire life, time after time, he'd grunt and move on, or lecture me for what seemed like an eternity. I longed to be loved by him, to have him proud of me. Why? After all, I'm an adult now. I couldn't shake the desire. I had been a Christian for a few years and truly knew The Father's love, undeserved, but with Christ, unconditional. That should have been enough.

Being one who evaluates before jumping in with my all, I was doing it with learning Biblical principles. Listening to one speaker helped turn on a light bulb about my dad. He gave an illustration. "If you were to go up to a floor lamp and hug it, would you be disappointed if it didn't hug you back? Some people just haven't the ability to love you back. And that's ok. You can still love them fully. Just don't expect anything in return."  From that moment on, I was free to accept my dad as he was, enjoy him and leave not wanting.

But that's not the end. Over time, grandchildren, my contentment and acceptance, my diligent growth and lifestyle, I saw him soften. Age can do that, yes. But some get bitter rather than soften. Several decades after the Lord helped me release my need for his love, my hard dad began to give me nods of approval, even a few backdoor words of affirmation. And some years before he passed, he began to returned 'love you'. He actually said "I love you" once, a full out, all three words, "I love you". He even told me he was proud of me and why.  That was over fifteen years ago.

Dad's been gone for thirteen years now. This morning as I awoke, grieved over rejection of one, really two, people I love deeply, I asked myself, "Why do I continue to long for their love and acceptance?".  Then the Spirit said, "Floor lamp. It's hugging a lamp."  Ah, yes. Right now, it's the inability to hug back. I've been tempted to stop hugging these lamps. It's been years. Should I stop hugging these unresponsive things?

No. As with my dad, I will continue to hug these lamps. I pray He releases me from the longing to be loved back while I hug away with contentment. Release me, oh Lord, release me. May my only need be Your love, that which I already have, unconditional because of your Son's ultimate sacrifice. Continue to pour out that same love upon them that they will know You, as my earthly father did before his death. May they take all the fullness you have for them, soften and live for you, now and forever. Amen.

~ Bobbie Vance
December 19, 2014
Dad would have be 83 in two days.